How to Get Your Ex Back (and Keep Them)

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As a relationship and dating coach, the most common question I get asked is “How do I get my ex back?” After years of analyzing and dissecting the psychology of relationships and why people break up, I’ve been able to develop a definitive method that will ensure you will have the best chance possible of getting your ex to come running back to you.

I know, this might sound too good to be true (and unfortunately, in some cases, it is too good to be true), but if you properly implement these simple yet powerful psychological tactics, you will optimize your chances of making your ex attracted to you again. This leads me to the first step in my process.

Step One: How to Identify Why Your Ex Broke up with You

Your ex is hiding the truth from you.

Oftentimes, in a feeble attempt to protect your feelings, your ex will say things like “It’s not you, it’s me” and “I think we just make better friends”. While these may sound like valid reasons, it’s often not the reason why your ex broke up with you.

In over 90% of my cases, the reason one person breaks up with another is because they’ve experienced a loss of sexual attraction. Your ex likely won’t admit to this explicitly, and sometimes they won’t even realize they aren’t attracted to you anymore. So if I were to sum up this article in just one sentence, it would be this: the key to getting your ex back is to erase the image of the old you, and infuse sexual attraction into a brand new relationship with your ex.

By now you’re probably thinking, so what did I do to make my ex lose attraction? Is it because I’m physically unattractive? Chances are, your ex didn’t break up with you because he or she found you physically unattractive. Again, in the vast majority of cases, attraction is lost due to several behavioral faux pas that stem from one person’s insecurity and lack of confidence. And why am I telling you this? Because if you get your ex back, you simply can’t afford to keep behaving the same way. If you do, you will end up losing them again.

Regardless of whether you get your ex back or not, it’s important to learn how to develop good habits; your partner will be happier and you will be happier when you do.

So before I get to step two, I’m going to list several Universally Unattractive characteristics that kill attraction, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman

1.)  Being Too Controlling

I know it may have made you feel uncomfortable when your ex hung out with multiple members of the opposite sex. It’s completely normal to have these feelings. However, telling your ex that he or she cannot enjoy the company of their friends is not only wrong, it kills sexual attraction.

Instead, be more open to your partner hanging out with other people. There’s also nothing stopping you from doing the same, or joining them in these hangouts. Just be comfortable in your status as their partner. Remind yourself that they wouldn’t be with you if they wanted someone else.

2.)  Being a Complete Pushover

Human beings are hardwired to be attracted to powerful individuals. In the Palaeolithic Era, aligning yourself with such individuals would increase your chances of survival. Humans have continued to evolve with respect for these traits and generally continue to be attracted to other humans that embody them. If you’re conveying to your partner that you can stand up for yourself, then you will be much more attractive to them.

3.)  Being Jealous

Again, feeling jealous is a natural human phenomenon. I’m not saying that you should never feel jealous, because unfortunately, you can’t control these emotions. You can, however, keep these negative emotions in check. Swallow your pride. If you feel you’re getting jealous because your partner is getting all the attention at the party, don’t show it. Instead, be proud of your partner. Remember that your partner is a reflection of you as well, so any chance you get to brag about your partner, you probably should.

4.) Constantly Being Depressed or Unhappy

Sorry, the “emo” thing isn’t sexy at all. Emotions are infectious. If you’re unhappy, chances are the people around you will be unhappy. Unhappiness isn’t an attractive characteristic. I don’t feel like I need to explain this any further, but if you feel like your happiness levels are beyond your control, then you may need to seek medical attention.

5.) Being Lazy

Laziness is a destructive habit that can lead to several poor life choices. On top of that, it’s a very unattractive characteristic. If you feel like you’re a lazy person, there are books and resources to help you eliminate this bad habit from your life.

You will often see this trait materialize over time in a relationship. Complacency is a huge reason why romances fizzle and die out. All relationships need constant work.

6.) Complaining Too Much

Contrary to popular belief, men complain just as much as women do. To nobody’s surprise, complaining a lot isn’t a very attractive trait. Try this: instead of complaining, do something about it. Don’t like how messy your car is? Clean it. Don’t like your new work schedule? Get it changed. Taking action is important for your well being, not to mention very sexy and attractive to the opposite sex.

Of course, this list is not exhaustive. Sometimes a lack of good chemistry or similar interests can quickly kill the attraction. More often than not, however, one of the six negative traits listed above has played a significant in role in your ex’s decision to break it off with you.

What’s the common characteristic among these six traits? Insecurity! You’re too controlling because you’re afraid your ex will fall for somebody else; you’re a pushover because you don’t have enough confidence and security in yourself; your jealousy is directly related to insecurity, and so on and so forth. If you’re doing something that conveys your lack of security, then I can guarantee you that you aren’t being as attractive as you could be.

Step Two: The Isolation Period

Regardless of how long it’s been since you and your ex broke up or how far away he or she lives, there needs to be an Isolation Period. Other so-called experts may call this the “no contact” period, however, many will lead you to believe that simply ignoring your ex will do the trick. There is a very specific way to go about executing the Isolation Period and it isn’t just about ignoring and “not contacting” your ex.

Remember what I said at the beginning of this article – part of getting your ex back involves erasing the “old” you. Your old relationship with your ex didn’t work. In fact, it probably downright sucked, and whether you like it or not, the reason it didn’t work out was because you made a mistake that led to your ex breaking up with you. I know, the truth hurts.

So now you have to erase those memories in your ex’s head. You have to give him or her time so that their emotions for you reset. Eventually, once enough time lapses, this will happen. I call this Emotional Zero – it is the moment when your ex is, for the most part, emotionally indifferent towards you. In order for you to build a new relationship with your ex, he or she needs to hit Emotional Zero. Only then will you be able to build a new relationship that is stronger and more vibrant than before.

Typically, the rule of thumb is 30 days of no contact with your ex. Studies show that 30 days is enough time for emotions to settle (and this period allows time for your ex to possibly miss you). However, there are exceptions to every rule; if you’ve been pleading and begging for your ex to come back this whole time, then it’s going to take a lot longer – sometimes, up to a year for very specific cases.

Again, you simply can’t just ignore you ex and then do nothing about it. You need to take action. So what things do you need to do during the Isolation Period?

First and foremost, you need to work on yourself. You need to go out. You need to have fun. Your ex is not going to want to get back together with you if you’re sad and depressed. Your ex will only be attracted to you again if you’re going out and making the most out of life – remember this! So instead of staying indoors and moping around, go out and have fun. Hang out with friends. Be social. Don’t be a hermit! You need to convey to the world that your life is in order and that you aren’t depressed. This can be difficult, but I never said getting your ex back was going to be easy, did I?

Here are some tips that you can use to help you out during the Isolation Period:

1.) Workout

Exercising is obviously good for your health, but did you know that it can also improve your mood substantially? By exercising, your brain will begin producing chemicals (Serotonin and Dopamine) that actually make you happier. Make a stand – right here, right now – to start exercising first thing in the morning and I guarantee that the rest of your days will improve massively.

I know, I know… waking up depressed is hard. Knowing you have to go out and run 5 kilometres? It makes it even worse. But you need to have faith in the process. After your workout, you’ll feel rejuvenated.

2.) Choose a New Hobby

Keeping yourself occupied will help keep your mind busy. Learn to play a new instrument. Learn a new sport. The possibilities are endless.

3.) Hang Out with Friends

I said it before and I’ll say it again, spending time with people who you enjoy is the easiest way to take your mind off your ex. Do whatever you can to set up coffee dates with friends, go to the movies, play video games, or whatever you enjoy.

However, do whatever you can to not bring up the subject of your ex with your friends. They probably don’t want to hear about it much and it won’t help you either. Instead, just focus on having fun with them. If you’re constantly a Debbie Downer, they’re not going to want to hang out with you much.

4.) Date Date Date

If there were only one thing that I could recommend to you during the Isolation Period, it would be to date around. Yes, date. It sounds counter-intuitive and counter-productive to getting your ex back, but it works. Why? First of all, dating is fun. Even when you’re on a mediocre date, it still can be interesting and fun to get to know another person. Secondly, it will increase your confidence. Third, demonstrating to your ex that you’re desirable and sought after by other people will increase their feelings of desire for you. And fourth, you never know – maybe you’ll be able to meet somebody that’s even better than your ex!

So, while you’re keeping yourself busy and increasing your confidence and value, when will you know whether you’re ready to contact your ex? This brings me to the next step…

Step Three: The First Contact

How will you know when your ex is ready to be contacted? Well, you won’t. But there are some rules.

If you’ve just recently broken up with your ex and you haven’t begged, pleaded, or contacted your ex, then 30 days is enough time for you to wait. However, if you have done any of the above, then you need to at least double that length of time. Depending on how many mistakes you’ve made since your ex broke up with you, you need to extend the Isolation Period accordingly. In fact, when in doubt, wait. 

Hopefully during this time you’ll have been dating, hanging out with friends, working out, and keeping busy with new hobbies. Now it’s time to attract your ex back into your life. 

Depending on the state of your relationship with him or her, you can either contact them by e-mail or text message. Under no circumstance should you be calling your ex at this point. Why? Calling at this point is far too forward. You’ll want to take things slow at first, not ambush them out of the blue. Besides, calling just screams desperation. At this point, you don’t want to convey anything at all.

What you’ll want to do is pose what I call a Non-Threatening Question. This is a question that has a purpose. You aren’t contacting your ex to say hello. You aren’t asking them out on a date. The only reason you’re contacting him or her is to ask them a non-threatening question.

For example, you’ll want to send a text message that says something like:

“Hi, just was wondering the name of that restaurant we went to on New Years. Hope all is well.” 

This question has two components. One, it asks a question that needs to be answered, and only your ex can answer it. Second, it doesn’t demand attention. You end it with something like “Hope all is well” because it suggests that you don’t really care if your ex gets back to you or not.

If Your Ex Replies…

Chances are if you’ve been following my advice up to this point, your ex will reply. If your ex does reply, you’re in business. You’re going to want to keep conversing – engage in some small talk! Don’t reply too quickly. Reply leaving about 1 hour in between text messages. Yes, you heard me… 1 hour. You don’t want to blow it now, do you?

Keep up the small talk and occasionally end the conversation abruptly. Sign off with, “Okay, thanks. I have to go to my yoga class, talk soon!”

You’ll want to be the one ending the conversation in these scenarios. Why? Again, you’ll want to appear as if you don’t care too much. Right now, you just want to make it known to your ex that you exist but not that you miss them or need them in any way.

After this period, wait another week until you contact your ex again. Continue this process until you become friendly with your ex again.

If Your Ex Doesn’t Reply…

If your ex does’t reply, don’t worry. The thing is, there could be a multitude of reasons why your ex doesn’t reply. Maybe he or she is busy, tired, away, etc. There are a ton of reasons, so for now, I wouldn’t worry yet. If your ex doesn’t reply, then there’s one rule you need to remember: Don’t text your ex again! You heard me!

If you continually text your ex, you will be jeopardizing the whole operation. You’ve made it this far, so don’t mess it up! You’ll be tempted to text again right away, but instead, focus on yourself again. Go out with friends, and do anything you can to keep your mind off things. Take the duration of your recent Isolation Period, add 10 days to it, and then try again.

Step Four: The Magnetic Attraction Period

At some point in your interaction with your ex, you’re going to have to set up a meeting.

Remember, you need to have a good reason to do anything with your ex, so be prepared to come up with a good excuse to chat with your ex. If you’re confused about this, let me jump right into an example:

“Hi Christy — I’ve always known you had a better eye for interior design than me. I’m currently trying to brighten up my kitchen and wanted your opinion on some cabinets. Mind if we get together for coffee?”

Or…

“Hello Rob! I’m planning a trip to Peru this winter. I know you know so much about the country. Mind if we get together for a coffee so I can grill you with some questions?”

You need to be posing as a friend. As of right now, nothing sexual should come out of this… at least not yet. You’ll be wanting to make sure you tell your ex that this will be a short and sweet meeting. Your ex will be intimidated and possibly turned off if you suggest a very long meeting.

Once the actual date occurs, you need to turn up the sexual chemistry. Start flirting! Flirting is the number one way to spark attraction again and compel your ex to think of you in a sexual manner. Don’t know how to flirt? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered…

1.) Touch, touch touch!

It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl. Touching is a form of communication. Go to a public place and observe friends and lovers communicate with each other. Chances are, they’ll be touching each other in some way. Something as simple as giving somebody a “high five” is an incredibly bonding experience between two human beings. Finally, look how couples interact. Kissing, holding hands, and hugs are fundamental bonding gestures between two lovers. So make sure you touch your ex a lot in inadvertant ways. If he or she seems receptive to this, then ramp it up.

2.) Look them in the eyes.

Eye contact is a powerful thing. Again, when it comes to building chemistry (whether sexual or otherwise), holding eye contact is essential. But don’t just stare at your ex’s eyes. Stare at his or her lips too. This sends very subtle sexual messages.

3.) Smile at them!

This shouldn’t be too difficult.

4.) Reminisce about sexual encounters you’ve had with him or her, but subtly.

Try and re-ignite the passion by bringing up something surrounding a sexual moment in your past with your ex. For example, if you and your ex had a steamy sexual encounter right after the Dodgers game a year ago, talk about the events immediately preceding the sexual encounter. Try and remind them how sexual and passionate it was.

5.) Use humour.

Obviously, a good sense of humour is a powerful aphrodisiac. Make sure that as you’re flirting, you’re doing all you can to make your ex laugh.

Remember to keep things light. Don’t talk about anything negative. Don’t talk about how your relationship ended. Don’t argue. Remember, chances are this is the chance to re-attract your ex back into your life. You don’t want to blow things wide open at this point.

After you’ve used all these techniques, chances are your ex will be laughing and enjoying his or her time. Once your ex is showing these signs of interest in you, you have the green light to move into a more intimate setting. That means you need to find a good excuse to invite your ex over. However, again, don’t forget the fundamentals of this. You need to have a good reason to invite your ex over. Say you got a new collection of fish or the new Call of Duty for your PS4. Whatever you do, do not just invite your ex over for fun or for no reason. This will be a red flag for them.

If You’re a Man…

You’ll want to have sex with your ex as quick as possible. That means if your ex wants to have sex with you, it’s on. Have sex with her by seducing her and showing her the time of her life. You’ll want to do some research on how to make love and how to make sure that what she’s experiencing is the best sex of her life. Make the sex unforgettable so that she’ll never think about leaving you again.

Women get extremely bonded with the partners they have sex with — more so than men. If your ex has sex with you, chances are the next step is how you’ll get back together.

If You’re a Woman…

Then don’t have sex with your ex until he’s ready to commit to you. Don’t make it a big deal. When you invite him back, flirt. Keep flirting and make it sexual. Turn him on. However, the key here is to not have sex with him. This short of thing will drive a man crazy.

Once you do this, a little switch will go off in his mind and he’ll do anything he has to to have you.

At this point, you’ll want to set up even more subsequent dates with him and continue to turn him on. Continue being friendly, feminine, and beautiful. Pretty soon, he’ll want to have the “talk” with you. After that, you’re in!

Greenies Arena: Credit-www.lovelearnings.com