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| You think your lack of sex isn’t obvious, but how would you know? For you, spooning your dog is normal, and one reason to think, I need to get laid. |
Sometimes when you haven’t had sex for a while, you forget what it feels like. Trust me, when I’m going through a dry spell, I don’t even remember the feeling of someone else’s hand on my body. I basically forget that I’m even a sexual object. One day, during your dry spell, you’ll suddenly wake up and say to yourself, “Holy shit, I need to get laid.”
I need to get laid!
It’s like this internal alarm clock sets off and the only way to turn it off is to get laid. But, let’s not jump ahead. First, you need to be aware of the signs that you need to get laid.
#1 Your internet browser is a sex shop. Your internet browser is full of porn. Full. It’s basically its own sex shop—don’t take that as a compliment. You haven’t had sex for so long that you basically downloaded the entire porn industry onto your computer. You need to have sex soon.
#2 You become turned on if someone accidentally brushes against you. If someone bumps into you at the grocery store or on the street, you’re immediately turned on. You know they aren’t trying to have sex with you, but that feeling of contact just makes you go wild.
#3 You need all the details. When your friends tell you they just had sex, you force them to tell you all the details. Every. Single. One. You currently live vicariously through them, so you need to know exactly what happened. You’re going to be using this for when you masturbate. But just putting your face on your friends instead.
#4 You forget what sex actually looks like. Sure, you watch a lot of porn, but you know that’s not really real. But when you try to think about actual sex, real sex, you can’t imagine what it looks like.
You forgot what it’s like to have someone touch, kiss, bite, or lick you. All those times turned into dust in the wind.
#5 Do they have a pulse? That’s the most important question when someone tells you they may have someone for you. Do they breathe? You’re not so concerned about the other aspects of them. As long as they have a face, you’re fine. That’s now your criteria. Your standards have dropped to almost non-existent.
#6 Your bed is filled with everything but a warm body. Your dog takes up most of the bed, with your dirty socks and underwear at the end and a couple books, maybe an empty chip bag fills up the rest of the space.
Literally, your bed turned into a dumping ground for your crap. Could another body be sleeping there? Sure, but not anytime soon apparently.
#7 You start to miss your exes. Yeah, even that guy you dated for three days back in high school. Sure, it was a short romance, but it was intense and full of passion. You think. Actually, you kissed once and decided it wasn’t for you, but now, you’re wondering if maybe you should give it a second chance.
#8 Hitting the bottle and chip bag. So those feelings of loneliness and sexual inadequacy, well, you process them by hitting up the bottle of Vodka and chips.
Your snacking and drinking has reached an all-time high. You notice your love handles around your hips. At least the chips hug you.
#9 Your orgasms are borderline depressing. Once upon a time, they sent your brain into outer space. It was like you never had such an orgasm before. And now, you yawn during your orgasm. You literally yawn. Nothing streams through your mind while you touch yourself, it’s more a robotic hand gesture, if anything.
#10 You stopped grooming down there. Oh, do I know this all too well. You just stopped. Whether you’re a woman or man, whatever grooming you were doing there has long stopped. Maintenance is only doable if people come to visit that area, and no one’s coming. When I shaved after four months of nothing, I had to use three razors. Three!
#11 You get Tinder. We all have Tinder, but you downloaded Tinder to ravage through the matches. First date? Don’t need it, that’s just wasting time. You’re on there for one reason and one reason only: sex.
While others want to have the first date, you just need to get it in, grease the wheel. The dating can come later.
#12 You’re always irritable. Everything pisses you off. Your friends and family ask you if your period is coming or if you’re having problems at work, but everything’s going great.
Oh, except for the small fact that there are cobwebs growing in between your legs. Other than that, yeah, everything’s just peachy. This irritability is actually your body, crying.
#13 You can’t remember the last time you had sex. Or with who. You actually have no memory of your last sexual encounter. Now, it could also be because there was not much to remember, but the point I’m trying to make is that it was a long time ago. Don’t worry, this happens to the best of us.
Now that you know what the signs are, are you showing any “I need to get laid” signs? Don’t panic if you are, easily cure yourself with some much-needed sex.
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